Teleconference Call for Sabotage Seminar is Wed. March 28 @ 5:30 EST.

Dial-in Number: 1-218-862-6789
Conference Code: 542045

 

Readers, as promised we kick off the week with part one of our five week seminar series on How to Master Gender Dynamics in the workplace delivered by renowned success speaker and entrepreneur Laura L. Brown of LotusLifeWork. Welcome to IOS Laura, lots of questions have been coming in, we’re excited to dig in. I’ll turn it over to you. – Shoe Hostess.

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Laura L. Brown

“Thanks, I am passionate about helping women succeed in business and look forward to providing you with the some vital insight into what is really going on at work.

 

The Top 5 Ways Women Sabotage Themselves in Business: 

• Making assumptions about what motivates men
• Not understanding how you are being perceived by men (and other women)
• Languaging yourself into a negative reputation
• Having issues with power
• Not staying grounded in your feminine strengths

All of these behaviors keep women from reaching their career goals – and most of the time it’s completely unconscious! Assuming you know how men are thinking or what drives their actions is mistake number one!

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What can women do to ‘bond’ with male colleagues?

Stop thinking they want to bond with you. Men think of work as a game, with a pecking order. Your main concern should be, do they respect you?

What do you do if your boss consistently invites a male associate who is more junior to you to social outings?

There are many reasons why this could be happening and the best thing you can do is to not assume you know the reason. Of course, situations like this are delicate because of the variables involved, such as his marital status, are you the only woman in his department, does he respect your work. Clear communication is the place to start. Be clear about your goals, i.e., do you want to build a better working relationship with your boss or be friends with him? Are you prepared to hear him say that he isn’t comfortable being in social situations with just the two of you? How would you respond to that very real concern?

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I invite you to take a look at where you are assuming you know what drives the behaviors or actions of your male colleagues. It is only human to think that others will act the way you would act, but male and female brains are wired differently. Because of this, we view the world through different filters and motivations.

Men are not looking to be your friend at work, they are looking to succeed – it’s all about winning, however they define a win.

The goal is to be respected for your skills, abilities and accomplishments. It’s not about who ‘likes’ you.

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In next week’s seminar, I will address perception issues and how men and women displaying the same behaviors will elicit different responses. Feel free to keep submitting questions. Should we not get to them all, I will host a tele-conference dial-in where we can dig in some more on a group level.”

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To learn more about how Laura can support you or your organization in career development and advancement, go to www.LotusLifeWork.com and sign up to receive her newsletter and information about the March launch of her self study product: Positively Promotable – Understanding Men at Work. You can also download her free smartphone app for Android and iPhone – search for “LotusLifeWork” to receive daily doses of information, inspiration and introspection!

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Up next meet Natasha Lowery, an American Texan mom living in London. She sounds off to In Our Shoes on what it’s like to parent amongst mummys on British soil. Stay tuned!

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In Our Shoes welcomes working mum Danielle Curzon to our female village. Born and bred a British royal (her father is the noble Viscount Scarsdale), Danielle threw off the cloak of aristocracy and today is pursuing her dream in the UK’s Mixed Martial Arts circuit as Europe’s first televised female referee at UCMMA Cage Rage and juggling it all like the rest of us as a single mom with a two year old daughter.

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No stranger to proving oneself, Danielle was an international titleholder dressage rider, an international champion martial arts competitor, former bodyguard to Emma Watson and other celebrities and survivor of a near fatal pregnancy delivering her healthy baby girl (the one the medical experts said she’d never have).

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IOS: Fighter. Competitor. Proving yourself. Fearless. Danielle, these are the first words that came to mind before sitting down with you for this interview. Am I close or way off base here? 

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Danielle: I’d say that’s all true. I’ve been riding since I was three years old and was taught very early on to push myself. I grew up with a competitive spirit which was encouraged by my dad who yes is the noble Viscount Scarsdale but I do not follow any aristocratic lifestyle whatsoever today. I was an international dressage rider until I reached the age of 21. I won Horse Of The Year Show, Great Britain’s largest show when I was 9 and won over 20 national showing titles (including side saddle, national title) and then went on to represent the UK’s  U21 team. I also competed in America.

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IOS: Is it normal for a young girl that age to be groomed a dressage rider in the UK? 

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Danielle: Yes, horse riding is very much the norm and part of the aristocratic way of life. My parents never forced me to do it however. I enjoyed the competition.  Later on my mum wanted to me to do something else that would allow me to balance my studies at school and I eventually stopped riding.

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IOS: Your parents divorced early on, tell us about that.  

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Danielle: My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. I was really happy about it actually as they were both so unhappy in their marriage. The divorce was a news spectacle. My dad went on to marry a prostitute and my mother married an ex-bank robber! I was the only child and definitely not living a normal life by any stretch. After my parents divorce I learned money doesn’t buy you happiness and wanted nothing to do with the aristocratic life. I was very privileged and lived in a massive home. Today I live in a modest 2 bedroom house and I don’t miss that life whatsoever.

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IOS: What did you do after you stopped riding?

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Danielle: Well, I had started training in martial arts at the age of 12 for self defense. When I quit the horses, I moved martial arts up to my international sport. I fought very competitively and won titles abroad.  Martial arts became my second sport. Today I teach anti-rape self defense classes at a university. So many women suffer this sort of thing. 

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IOS: What is Mixed Maritial Arts?

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Danielle: MMA is a combination of stand up and ground fighting, Tai and Kick boxing. Often people just see fighters in a cage, but learning MMA is something every woman could benefit from.  Alot of it is using the person’s weight against them. I trained in the MMA for 5 years until I was unable to fight competitively due to health problems with my kidneys. So I started working as a bodyguard and became the personal bodyguard to Emma Watson and many other celebrities. I worked the night club doors and was part of the highest qualified security personell in the UK.

 

IOS: You went through a nightmare of a pregnancy. Tell us about it.

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Danielle: Before my daughter Alea was born,  I suffered two miscarriages about a year apart and was told I would never have children due to endometriosis. I then miraculously fell pregnant in 2008 and went through a horrendous pregnancy and after only 6 weeks pregnant, I split with Alea’s father. Then problems with my kidneys started; they failed due to eclampsia.  A condition in which one or more convulsions occur in a pregnant woman suffering from high blood pressure. I became dehydrated.  I was then diagnosed with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) during my pregnancy. At 24 weeks I lost half of my water. I had to be injected with steroids. My daughter was delivered at 31 weeks by emergency C section and weighed only 2lbs 10oz. After having Alea, I then suffered from post natal depression and kept on anti-depressants which was the worst thing ever. I also had to quit fighting and later went into refereeing which is where I am now reffing the UCMMA (Cage Rage) show at the Troxy in London. It was a big setback for me, being unable to fight competitively again.

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IOS: Tell us about your daughter Alea and the challenges of being a mum.

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Danielle:  Having Alea was absolutely meant to happen for me. She was a miracle really. Alea is Greek for ‘queen’. So far it’s been the terrible two tantrums. When they look at you and do something and misbehave in public!

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IOS: Will you steer Alea towards any particular direction?

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My mom would like her to go to university. I’d like her to decide her own path. I want to offer her as many opportunities as she can have. I’m a vegetarian, but I allow her to eat meat. Until she’s old enough she can decide on her own if she wishes to stop eating it. I would encourage her, if she turns out to be a competitive person. My dad didn’t push me to do the horses, he gave me the opportunity and I loved the competition. He also took me Bunjee jumping when I was 10 years old which I also loved.

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IOS: What is it like mixing with other mums in the UK given your profession? Do you feel like you fit in?

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Danielle: I go on playdates or the local play centers just like any other mum. At first I wasn’t big on telling women I’m a cage referree. Today I don’t care anymore, it’s the skin I’m comfortable in and if someone doesn’t like it, that’s fine too.

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IOS: Did you have a nanny for Alea?

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Danielle: No, I’ve never had a nanny. My mom lives very close by and is helping me raise Alea. I also have my step sister around whom I’m very close to.

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IOS: What made you decide to go back to work after having Alea?.

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Danielle:  The UK make it is less appealing for mothers to go back to work after having children compared to the States. I work 16 hours a week. If I went back to work full time, after weighing out the child care costs I would lose the tax credit. Also, working full time meant not spending enough time with my daughter. It’s not financial viable by the time you do the math. Day care costs 40 pounds a day. It still doesn’t pay.  On the other hand, I cannot be a stay at home mom. I needed to find me as a person again after having Alea. I’m able to do that with my career at MMA which is on weekends.

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It was very difficult at first for me to get the balance of work training and spending time with Alea. My mom would often remind me that I wasn’t spending enough time with her. So I changed my schedule. I’m with her during the week days. It’s a part time job at Cage. I am also a NVQ assessor for security at Oxford University; I screen candidates. I work weekends reffing and the rest of the time I’m with my little girl.

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IOS: What is your view of working mothers in America?

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Danielle: I’m intrigued by them. Americans seem to have a stronger work ethic. The British look up to Americans really. It has crossed my mind many times to move there.  My dream is to make it into the UFC.

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IOS: Tell us about your career at Cage Rage. You’re the first televised female referee for the largest MMA show in the UK. How did that happen?

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Danielle: Reffing for the Cage Rage has been the highlight of my career so far. I had started working in the smaller shows. Then I got a phone call to judge the White Collar UCMMA from fight promoter Dave O’Donnell. From there he said I could referee while I was in the cage. It was a bit of a horrible time for me leading up the next UCMMA Cage Rage because I wasn’t clear on whether they were going to use me permanently. Then I got the phone call that I was a part of the team. All of the guys welcomed me to the family. It meant so much. It was truly a special moment. I have moved up the sky card. The whole of the cage rage welcomed me with open arms. I owe so much to Dave O’Donnell for believing in me and giving me my big break.

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IOS: What do you think when you watch yourself on TV?

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Danielle: When I watch myself, I look to see where I’ve made mistakes. Last night was a big night! I reffed Ben Smith, so I’ll be watching that again.

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IOS: What’s next for you?

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Danielle: My dream is to become a referee in the UFC. I have the greatest respect for Kim Winslow, the first female ref in the UFC. There’s only a handful of women in the MMA, I hope to promote them now that we’ve gotten maximum exposure on Cage Rage. Hopefully that’s what’s next for me.

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IOS: What would you tell people who think you were chosen because of your royal family ties? You would certainly bring lots of media attention to the show.

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Danielle: I have never once told anyone about my nobility. I was kind of embarrassed about it because I didn’t want people thinking I was a snob, especially Dave O’Donnell. Once I was televised however, I thought it’s all going to come out anyway into the mainstream media. Noone guessed that I was from that background. My life story is so bizarre, why would they?

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IOS: What are the challenges of reffing? 

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Danielle: Every referee looks for the safety of the fighters,  knowing when is the correct time to stop the fight: - too early or too late. Getting that balance right,  letting the fighters have a chance to defend themselves and not getting injured. Reffing involves  making sure there are no illegal moves, kicking to the groin, gouging of the eyes. That maternal instinct does kick in when someone is in your care who may not be able to walk out of the cage. I’m still learning and have made mistakes by stopping a fight a little too early or too late.

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IOS: What is the best piece of advice you would give IOS readers who want to go after the dream they’re after?

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Danielle: Persevere and find the right balance. You will find your own way.You’ve got to be happy just as we teach our children. Don’t put your dreams on hold.

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Have a question for Danielle? Reach out and I will be sure your e-mail is answered!

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What I love about Danielle’s story is that although she belongs to royal lineage that could have potentially opened any door for her, in the end it was her fearless spirit that led her to achieving the dream she was after. She walked away from her nobility. She’s also giving back by teaching women how to defend themselves and hopes to break the barrier for women in what traditionally has been a male dominated arena.  Danielle has her sights on America’s UFC, we hope Kim Winslow is listening! Cheering you on Danielle and many thanks to you for sharing your story with us at In Our Shoes. Danielle is currently writing an autobiography. My feeling is that she has quite a few more unwritten chapters to go! I look forward to hearing what’s next.

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This just in from IOS reader Jamie Croft, former Talent Acquisition Recruiter, semi stay-at home mom here in the States to a three year old boy and just getting her feet wet back into her career. She dishes to In Our Shoes on the dirty little secret women like her who used to be somebodies in the working world don’t talk about.

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‘To be honest my son is almost 3 and I am feeling so bored. I HATE play groups and playdates, I am over it and could care less about the BS stay at home moms talk about. I guess it depends on the moms but in my area it’s hard to find good ones. Is that mean? My son is getting so independent now, I find after he gets up from his nap, he plays by himself and I feel kind of useless. He plays with his puzzles and trains and sometimes asks for me but not half as much as he used to. ‘

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Jaime has started to pick back up her recruiting career part-time while at home. In Our Shoes asked how she feels getting back on the work saddle.

‘Its not about the money right now but to get my mind going!’

‘I LOVE being frazzled and emailing and talking on the phone and texting all at once to my candidates and clients. I miss recruiting and that high I get when I land people jobs. Now, I’m just making sure it works with my son’s schedule. So far so good!’

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We hear you Jaime. Women rock at multi-tasking and why (sshhhh, you didn’t hear it from me) we really are the superior sex.  Thanks for sounding off to us, no judgement calls here. Feels good doesn’t it? 

Readers: Have something to sound off about? Get in touch! Anonymity is welcomed here.

Subscribe Today.  

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Up next…full interview with Danielle Curzon the British royal who waved bye bye to the aristocracy and is a work mum just like the rest of us juggling it all only as the UK’s first female referree for the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts – I didn’t know what that stood for either!)