Teleconference Call for Sabotage Seminar is Wed. March 28 @ 5:30 EST.

Dial-in Number: 1-218-862-6789
Conference Code: 542045

 

Readers, as promised we kick off the week with part one of our five week seminar series on How to Master Gender Dynamics in the workplace delivered by renowned success speaker and entrepreneur Laura L. Brown of LotusLifeWork. Welcome to IOS Laura, lots of questions have been coming in, we’re excited to dig in. I’ll turn it over to you. – Shoe Hostess.

.

Laura L. Brown

“Thanks, I am passionate about helping women succeed in business and look forward to providing you with the some vital insight into what is really going on at work.

 

The Top 5 Ways Women Sabotage Themselves in Business: 

• Making assumptions about what motivates men
• Not understanding how you are being perceived by men (and other women)
• Languaging yourself into a negative reputation
• Having issues with power
• Not staying grounded in your feminine strengths

All of these behaviors keep women from reaching their career goals – and most of the time it’s completely unconscious! Assuming you know how men are thinking or what drives their actions is mistake number one!

.

What can women do to ‘bond’ with male colleagues?

Stop thinking they want to bond with you. Men think of work as a game, with a pecking order. Your main concern should be, do they respect you?

What do you do if your boss consistently invites a male associate who is more junior to you to social outings?

There are many reasons why this could be happening and the best thing you can do is to not assume you know the reason. Of course, situations like this are delicate because of the variables involved, such as his marital status, are you the only woman in his department, does he respect your work. Clear communication is the place to start. Be clear about your goals, i.e., do you want to build a better working relationship with your boss or be friends with him? Are you prepared to hear him say that he isn’t comfortable being in social situations with just the two of you? How would you respond to that very real concern?

.

I invite you to take a look at where you are assuming you know what drives the behaviors or actions of your male colleagues. It is only human to think that others will act the way you would act, but male and female brains are wired differently. Because of this, we view the world through different filters and motivations.

Men are not looking to be your friend at work, they are looking to succeed – it’s all about winning, however they define a win.

The goal is to be respected for your skills, abilities and accomplishments. It’s not about who ‘likes’ you.

.

In next week’s seminar, I will address perception issues and how men and women displaying the same behaviors will elicit different responses. Feel free to keep submitting questions. Should we not get to them all, I will host a tele-conference dial-in where we can dig in some more on a group level.”

.

To learn more about how Laura can support you or your organization in career development and advancement, go to www.LotusLifeWork.com and sign up to receive her newsletter and information about the March launch of her self study product: Positively Promotable – Understanding Men at Work. You can also download her free smartphone app for Android and iPhone – search for “LotusLifeWork” to receive daily doses of information, inspiration and introspection!

.

Share and comment below.

Have you subscribed to In Our Shoes?

.

Up next meet Natasha Lowery, an American Texan mom living in London. She sounds off to In Our Shoes on what it’s like to parent amongst mummys on British soil. Stay tuned!

.

 

In Our Shoes welcomes working mum Danielle Curzon to our female village. Born and bred a British royal (her father is the noble Viscount Scarsdale), Danielle threw off the cloak of aristocracy and today is pursuing her dream in the UK’s Mixed Martial Arts circuit as Europe’s first televised female referee at UCMMA Cage Rage and juggling it all like the rest of us as a single mom with a two year old daughter.

.

 

No stranger to proving oneself, Danielle was an international titleholder dressage rider, an international champion martial arts competitor, former bodyguard to Emma Watson and other celebrities and survivor of a near fatal pregnancy delivering her healthy baby girl (the one the medical experts said she’d never have).

.

IOS: Fighter. Competitor. Proving yourself. Fearless. Danielle, these are the first words that came to mind before sitting down with you for this interview. Am I close or way off base here? 

.

Danielle: I’d say that’s all true. I’ve been riding since I was three years old and was taught very early on to push myself. I grew up with a competitive spirit which was encouraged by my dad who yes is the noble Viscount Scarsdale but I do not follow any aristocratic lifestyle whatsoever today. I was an international dressage rider until I reached the age of 21. I won Horse Of The Year Show, Great Britain’s largest show when I was 9 and won over 20 national showing titles (including side saddle, national title) and then went on to represent the UK’s  U21 team. I also competed in America.

.

IOS: Is it normal for a young girl that age to be groomed a dressage rider in the UK? 

.

Danielle: Yes, horse riding is very much the norm and part of the aristocratic way of life. My parents never forced me to do it however. I enjoyed the competition.  Later on my mum wanted to me to do something else that would allow me to balance my studies at school and I eventually stopped riding.

.

IOS: Your parents divorced early on, tell us about that.  

.

Danielle: My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. I was really happy about it actually as they were both so unhappy in their marriage. The divorce was a news spectacle. My dad went on to marry a prostitute and my mother married an ex-bank robber! I was the only child and definitely not living a normal life by any stretch. After my parents divorce I learned money doesn’t buy you happiness and wanted nothing to do with the aristocratic life. I was very privileged and lived in a massive home. Today I live in a modest 2 bedroom house and I don’t miss that life whatsoever.

.

IOS: What did you do after you stopped riding?

.

Danielle: Well, I had started training in martial arts at the age of 12 for self defense. When I quit the horses, I moved martial arts up to my international sport. I fought very competitively and won titles abroad.  Martial arts became my second sport. Today I teach anti-rape self defense classes at a university. So many women suffer this sort of thing. 

.

IOS: What is Mixed Maritial Arts?

.

Danielle: MMA is a combination of stand up and ground fighting, Tai and Kick boxing. Often people just see fighters in a cage, but learning MMA is something every woman could benefit from.  Alot of it is using the person’s weight against them. I trained in the MMA for 5 years until I was unable to fight competitively due to health problems with my kidneys. So I started working as a bodyguard and became the personal bodyguard to Emma Watson and many other celebrities. I worked the night club doors and was part of the highest qualified security personell in the UK.

 

IOS: You went through a nightmare of a pregnancy. Tell us about it.

.

Danielle: Before my daughter Alea was born,  I suffered two miscarriages about a year apart and was told I would never have children due to endometriosis. I then miraculously fell pregnant in 2008 and went through a horrendous pregnancy and after only 6 weeks pregnant, I split with Alea’s father. Then problems with my kidneys started; they failed due to eclampsia.  A condition in which one or more convulsions occur in a pregnant woman suffering from high blood pressure. I became dehydrated.  I was then diagnosed with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) during my pregnancy. At 24 weeks I lost half of my water. I had to be injected with steroids. My daughter was delivered at 31 weeks by emergency C section and weighed only 2lbs 10oz. After having Alea, I then suffered from post natal depression and kept on anti-depressants which was the worst thing ever. I also had to quit fighting and later went into refereeing which is where I am now reffing the UCMMA (Cage Rage) show at the Troxy in London. It was a big setback for me, being unable to fight competitively again.

.

IOS: Tell us about your daughter Alea and the challenges of being a mum.

.

Danielle:  Having Alea was absolutely meant to happen for me. She was a miracle really. Alea is Greek for ‘queen’. So far it’s been the terrible two tantrums. When they look at you and do something and misbehave in public!

.

IOS: Will you steer Alea towards any particular direction?

.

My mom would like her to go to university. I’d like her to decide her own path. I want to offer her as many opportunities as she can have. I’m a vegetarian, but I allow her to eat meat. Until she’s old enough she can decide on her own if she wishes to stop eating it. I would encourage her, if she turns out to be a competitive person. My dad didn’t push me to do the horses, he gave me the opportunity and I loved the competition. He also took me Bunjee jumping when I was 10 years old which I also loved.

.

IOS: What is it like mixing with other mums in the UK given your profession? Do you feel like you fit in?

.

Danielle: I go on playdates or the local play centers just like any other mum. At first I wasn’t big on telling women I’m a cage referree. Today I don’t care anymore, it’s the skin I’m comfortable in and if someone doesn’t like it, that’s fine too.

.

IOS: Did you have a nanny for Alea?

.

Danielle: No, I’ve never had a nanny. My mom lives very close by and is helping me raise Alea. I also have my step sister around whom I’m very close to.

.

IOS: What made you decide to go back to work after having Alea?.

.

Danielle:  The UK make it is less appealing for mothers to go back to work after having children compared to the States. I work 16 hours a week. If I went back to work full time, after weighing out the child care costs I would lose the tax credit. Also, working full time meant not spending enough time with my daughter. It’s not financial viable by the time you do the math. Day care costs 40 pounds a day. It still doesn’t pay.  On the other hand, I cannot be a stay at home mom. I needed to find me as a person again after having Alea. I’m able to do that with my career at MMA which is on weekends.

.

It was very difficult at first for me to get the balance of work training and spending time with Alea. My mom would often remind me that I wasn’t spending enough time with her. So I changed my schedule. I’m with her during the week days. It’s a part time job at Cage. I am also a NVQ assessor for security at Oxford University; I screen candidates. I work weekends reffing and the rest of the time I’m with my little girl.

.

IOS: What is your view of working mothers in America?

.

Danielle: I’m intrigued by them. Americans seem to have a stronger work ethic. The British look up to Americans really. It has crossed my mind many times to move there.  My dream is to make it into the UFC.

.

IOS: Tell us about your career at Cage Rage. You’re the first televised female referee for the largest MMA show in the UK. How did that happen?

.

Danielle: Reffing for the Cage Rage has been the highlight of my career so far. I had started working in the smaller shows. Then I got a phone call to judge the White Collar UCMMA from fight promoter Dave O’Donnell. From there he said I could referee while I was in the cage. It was a bit of a horrible time for me leading up the next UCMMA Cage Rage because I wasn’t clear on whether they were going to use me permanently. Then I got the phone call that I was a part of the team. All of the guys welcomed me to the family. It meant so much. It was truly a special moment. I have moved up the sky card. The whole of the cage rage welcomed me with open arms. I owe so much to Dave O’Donnell for believing in me and giving me my big break.

.

IOS: What do you think when you watch yourself on TV?

.

Danielle: When I watch myself, I look to see where I’ve made mistakes. Last night was a big night! I reffed Ben Smith, so I’ll be watching that again.

.

 

IOS: What’s next for you?

.

Danielle: My dream is to become a referee in the UFC. I have the greatest respect for Kim Winslow, the first female ref in the UFC. There’s only a handful of women in the MMA, I hope to promote them now that we’ve gotten maximum exposure on Cage Rage. Hopefully that’s what’s next for me.

.

IOS: What would you tell people who think you were chosen because of your royal family ties? You would certainly bring lots of media attention to the show.

.

Danielle: I have never once told anyone about my nobility. I was kind of embarrassed about it because I didn’t want people thinking I was a snob, especially Dave O’Donnell. Once I was televised however, I thought it’s all going to come out anyway into the mainstream media. Noone guessed that I was from that background. My life story is so bizarre, why would they?

.

IOS: What are the challenges of reffing? 

.

Danielle: Every referee looks for the safety of the fighters,  knowing when is the correct time to stop the fight: - too early or too late. Getting that balance right,  letting the fighters have a chance to defend themselves and not getting injured. Reffing involves  making sure there are no illegal moves, kicking to the groin, gouging of the eyes. That maternal instinct does kick in when someone is in your care who may not be able to walk out of the cage. I’m still learning and have made mistakes by stopping a fight a little too early or too late.

.

IOS: What is the best piece of advice you would give IOS readers who want to go after the dream they’re after?

.

 

Danielle: Persevere and find the right balance. You will find your own way.You’ve got to be happy just as we teach our children. Don’t put your dreams on hold.

.

Have a question for Danielle? Reach out and I will be sure your e-mail is answered!

.

 

What I love about Danielle’s story is that although she belongs to royal lineage that could have potentially opened any door for her, in the end it was her fearless spirit that led her to achieving the dream she was after. She walked away from her nobility. She’s also giving back by teaching women how to defend themselves and hopes to break the barrier for women in what traditionally has been a male dominated arena.  Danielle has her sights on America’s UFC, we hope Kim Winslow is listening! Cheering you on Danielle and many thanks to you for sharing your story with us at In Our Shoes. Danielle is currently writing an autobiography. My feeling is that she has quite a few more unwritten chapters to go! I look forward to hearing what’s next.

.

 

Subscribe here.

 I’m humbled to see the rising interest in In Our Shoes from UK subscribers. This week I’m excited to announce the launch of a site across the pond. 

InRShoes.co.uk  is now official and live.

..

Stay tuned for my British working mum interview with someone who I must say has worn shoes I’ve never come close to trying on. Readers, I introduce you to woman warrior Danielle Curzon.

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Formally an international titleholder dressage rider, an international champion martial arts competitor, former bodyguard to Emma Watson and other celebrities, survivor of a miraculuous pregnancy with healthy baby girl (the one the medical experts said she’d never have) and is now a leading first female referee in the UK’s Mixed Martial Arts circuit at UCMMA Cage Rage..

.

Oh and not to be swept under the rug, Danielle is also a daughter of British aristocracy, born to the noble Viscount Scarsdale. 

.

More to come on her astounding story!

.

In other news, check out the not so surprising recent headline from The Economist (it stings just the same):

Closing the gap: Women have made huge progress in the workplace, but still get lower pay and far fewer top jobs than men.

Lots coming up this month including more advice on the job hunt. Rocky financial forecast ahead in the States and overseas. The resume/CV as we know it has been revamped – I’ll have lots of tips to get you prepared, the interview game has changed. Feel free to email me any questions.

.

.

Wonderful weekend everyone, be well.

 

 

 

 Subscribe here.

Looping back with super mama Debra Farber she shared more of her extraordinary strength since our inspiring interview last year. She had just wrapped up her divorce settlement and was enjoying a new life with her kids in her new NYC pad having left prominent Short Hills, NJ, a leading ace of a US school district.

.

Wow. This is the stuff that women are made of and I wanted to hear all about it.

.

Taking on even more now as a single working mama, Debra shares the the flip side of the divorce coin. The one that bespeaks freedom, enjoying the selfish “just for me” time we pine for when raising our little ones.

.

Divorce she says opens up so much time for yourself. After it’s over, it’s literally starting a new life again.  Think about it. When you’re married, your husband is another child in the family. Working mama or not, the woman is always the one doing it all: making doctor appointments, staying on top of homework, cleaning his dirty socks because you’re washing piles of it anyway. He  was never home, so once he becomes “the Ex”, you don’t really feel the void. It was you the whole time and you were always doing it alone; only now it’s official.

.

Fast forward to the single life. Now the man is taking the kids off your hands predictably from week to week and you can plan a personal life. The kids are getting in the time they need with their dad and you dahhling now have more time to yourself. Not such a bad deal.

.

“In your forties“, Debra shares, “your life is half over, why bother waiting until your fifties when you can start your life over now?” It’s probably the best time to cut the cord.

.

I immediately see her point. Women do not necessarily want to remarry. They are perfectly happy making the time to do the things they love.

.

Laughing, Debra says: “When did I ever have a weekend to myself when I was married?! There’s an unfair perception out there that the woman always wins. Well guess what? Women, especially stay at home moms, now need to go back to work again and continue to juggle it all.” Still it’s worth it.

 
Debra shares: “I’m not trying to paint a rosy picture here. Divorce is ugly, expensive, vindictive and when it’s finally over, guess what? You’re like: ‘my life begins’“.

I haven’t been looking for Divorce stories (at least I don’t think so). I suppose there’s always that knee jerk “Ohhhh…” reaction when you first learn of a couple calling it splits. Maybe it’s surprising to hear twosomes moving on from one another with babies still in tow.

.
Now more than ever partners would be expected to stick it out in this tough economic climate. Right???

.

Over the summer there was a great earthy mom I bonded with. Her son became my daughter’s best pal at camp. She made no qualms about announcing her newly single status. She also happens to have three-year old twins and a 5 year old. She was on the fence about whether she was moving back with her folks or winging it on her own. What floored me is when she shared how she felt her marriage was over 2 1/2 years ago. My mathematic mind quickly calculated and thought: “but your twins were only 6 months old!”

.

Wow.

.

I was immediately worried for her because yes we can survive, but what a deck to be holding.

.

Then during a casual stroll down my street with my son, an older neighbor shared how his golden years are quickly rusting with the news of his son’s marriage just pronounced over and the cleanup he and his wife are doing to take care of the grandchildren.
.

Another Wow. Noone ever talks about the toll on the relatives now forced into separate spousal camps.

.

Then there was the D news of my daughter’s dance instuctor with 3 boys, and the list goes on and on.

.

I asked my husband if he thinks we’ll make it. His answer?

.

“As long as you continue to be a Golf Widow, we’ll be just fine!”

.

I guess that sums it up then. Living the life we love while co-existing with our other halves. I can’t complain, the compromise is there. He gives me my writing time and is behind this “moonlight career” of mine.

.

For all you Mamas considering the big D or already with it underway, I am humbled by you. It is clear, you have chosen a life of authenticity and despite the circumstances are forging forward. No more Wows from me, just lots of well wishes for walking the walk in your shoes.

 In Our Shoes extends a warm welcome to working mom Debra Farber, a six time marathoner, breast cancer survivor and founder of Fit-2-Run, a growing fitness training and running company she kicked off just two years ago in her hometown of Short Hills, NJ. A few minutes into my interview, I soon learned that Debra delivers far more than just fitness regimens to her women clientele. As they follow her lead, Debra breathes life into her clients’ lives by motivating real change. Read on for her inspirational story.

 

You have been an avid athlete since college, yet only recently have you begun a fitness career.

 

Why now?

True, however after college I’ve always held jobs within the health care industry. Before I started Fit-2-Run I was on a successful career track in pharmaceutical sales working in New York City. Then in May 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. At that time I reached what I would best describe as an abyss. I realized life was too short. I was unhappy in my career and letting too much quality time slip away from family. So I picked up and left Corporate America a few months later to pursue a dream I’ve always had on the backburner: to run my own fitness business. Like most moms beginning to grow a family, I needed to do something which offered me flexibility so I can be with my two children; spending more time with them, then 4 and 5 years old, was always at the forefront for me.

 

 

How are you feeling now, two years after your diagnosis?

I consider myself blessed. The cancer was caught early on. I had surgery followed by the necessary radiation and am now undergoing heavy screening. Fortunately, my condition was not in the advanced stage. My diagnosis has made a huge impact on my life. It’s been quite a journey.

 

 

Financially speaking, what would you say to someone who can’t afford to walk away from the day job they have outgrown?

I do consider myself fortunate, as I was able to walk away from my career in 2009 without financial regret. However, I believe life is a frame of mind. When I was working in the pharmaceutical industry I was putting in too much travel. When I made a clean break, I didn’t care about the money. I knew I was never cut out to be a stay at home mom and so if I was going to work it needed to be something that spoke to me – a passion. I can’t describe the satisfaction I get when I’m able to pick up my kids from school and continue to juggle a business I love.

 

 

How much did exercise contribute to your healing?

It weighed in tremendously. Right after my radiation treatment and after a six year hiatus from running a race, I took on the New York City marathon – 26.2 miles! It was the therapy I so needed. With two kids, running a business, keeping the cancer at bay, I don’t have time to be tired. If one day I am feeling tired, it is what it is. You become a salmon swimming upstream. You just do it, that’s it.

 

 

Tell us about your business Fit-2-Run.

I started Fit-2-Run to train and coach those who have a fitness goal in mind and you’ll find that this is unique in everyone. Mine is a very grass roots kind of business. I’m contacted by women who have never run before and others who want to train for a marathon. Some of my clients are busy working moms who need their running fix right before heading into the office. Others are new moms who crave their former bodies back. Some are even veteran runners who literally just need to get back on the track again.

 

 

How do you manage so many different client objectives?

I keep to a structured schedule based on individual goals.

For Post Natal fitness, I’ll host group workouts focusing on core conditioning, increasing strength and flexibility utilizing weights, bands and balls.

For the marathoners we’ll usually go out together where I’ll do individual training for all race distances depending on their comfort level.

Twice a week, I’ll hold running groups with different runs consisting of speed work, hill repeats, long runs and tempo runs.

For the working women, I developed a 30 minute express workout beginning at dawn, which works well right before their needing to jumpstart their morning commute.

 

 

Where do you normally hold your fitness training?

One of the things I love about my business is that I’m able to take my clients anywhere that works for them. I like to sit down and meet my clients for a cup of coffee where I can learn what it is that they’re trying to accomplish. If they like to be outdoors for example, I’ll take them on a hike or to the track. Some prefer a one-on-one workout where they’ll set up a space in their home. It all depends on what works best for the individual. I love the variety and my clients appreciate the flexibility, so it’s a win-win.

For my classes I’ll rent space in a dance studio. This morning I just did a group run and I’m still reeling from the rush where I can kick back on a bench and share what I have created for myself, especially now in the budding Spring season.

 

 

Do you also train men, or is your business exclusively geared towards women?

When starting out I didn’t set out to target only women, but so far they are the clients I’ve most attracted. It’s empowering to see networks building among these women from my classes. In my sessions, I try to match up similar runners to train together thereby motivating one another. Running becomes a springboard for achievement in your life and is a huge outlet for all of us. I have always run for my own enjoyment, but with my business it’s been far more rewarding and therapeutic than I could imagine.

 

 

When first starting out, how did you attract clients?

I started out very bare bones. I first posted flyers around town. I did have business cards made initially, but I have to say the local word spread quicker than the newer methods: business cards, web sites, marketing. Today, I do have those things in place to keep my business growing but I guess you never know what will cause that initial spark until you try different avenues.

It was thrilling to learn that there was a market out there where people were looking for someone like me to get them on the right track towards their fitness goals.

 

 

Where do you see your business in the future?

The next step for me is branching out into kids’ fitness, teaching them the importance of exercise and introducing them to sports specific training. I’ve had much interest from moms who have children already involved in sports. For some, they’re on the track team looking for focused training. There are the high school teens who want to train to run cross country. And then there are those kids on the opposite spectrum who may not be into sports but their parents want them to give it a try.

 

 

What challenges do you face regularly?

The most challenging aspect of my busy routine is managing my kids schedule alongside my business. I try to schedule my training early mornings, mid afternoons and weekend mornings. I generally try to steer clear from booking any evening sessions because it doesn’t lend itself to my children’s schedule.

I’ve also been struggling with the question of how quickly do I want to expand? The opportunities are there, I need to decide how I want to take them on.

 

 

How do you manage meals for your family?

I’m a mother like anyone else. I manage to have simple nutritious meals ready. I’ll sometimes pick up healthy food options from Trader Joe’s or sneak in good protein dishes with brown rice, chicken and pasta.

 

 

What advice would you give to someone who wishes to step into her dream shoes?

One of the best gifts I was given was a journal from two close running friends. They said “this is where you’re going to start writing down your dreams” and it was. I carried it around with me everywhere and wrote down everything I wanted out of my life. It’s a gift I’ll never forget. I would encourage every woman to crystallize their goals by first putting pen to paper!

 

In Our Shoes extends a warm welcome to working mom Debra Farber, a six time marathoner, breast cancer survivor and founder of Fit-2-Run, a growing fitness training and running company she kicked off just two years ago in her hometown of Short Hills, NJ. A few minutes into my interview, I soon learned that Debra delivers far more than just fitness regimens to her women clientele. As they follow her lead, Debra breathes life into her clients’ lives by motivating real change. Read on for her inspirational story.  (more…)