Looping back with super mama Debra Farber she shared more of her extraordinary strength since our inspiring interview last year. She had just wrapped up her divorce settlement and was enjoying a new life with her kids in her new NYC pad having left prominent Short Hills, NJ, a leading ace of a US school district.

.

Wow. This is the stuff that women are made of and I wanted to hear all about it.

.

Taking on even more now as a single working mama, Debra shares the the flip side of the divorce coin. The one that bespeaks freedom, enjoying the selfish “just for me” time we pine for when raising our little ones.

.

Divorce she says opens up so much time for yourself. After it’s over, it’s literally starting a new life again.  Think about it. When you’re married, your husband is another child in the family. Working mama or not, the woman is always the one doing it all: making doctor appointments, staying on top of homework, cleaning his dirty socks because you’re washing piles of it anyway. He  was never home, so once he becomes “the Ex”, you don’t really feel the void. It was you the whole time and you were always doing it alone; only now it’s official.

.

Fast forward to the single life. Now the man is taking the kids off your hands predictably from week to week and you can plan a personal life. The kids are getting in the time they need with their dad and you dahhling now have more time to yourself. Not such a bad deal.

.

“In your forties“, Debra shares, “your life is half over, why bother waiting until your fifties when you can start your life over now?” It’s probably the best time to cut the cord.

.

I immediately see her point. Women do not necessarily want to remarry. They are perfectly happy making the time to do the things they love.

.

Laughing, Debra says: “When did I ever have a weekend to myself when I was married?! There’s an unfair perception out there that the woman always wins. Well guess what? Women, especially stay at home moms, now need to go back to work again and continue to juggle it all.” Still it’s worth it.

 
Debra shares: “I’m not trying to paint a rosy picture here. Divorce is ugly, expensive, vindictive and when it’s finally over, guess what? You’re like: ‘my life begins’“.

I haven’t been looking for Divorce stories (at least I don’t think so). I suppose there’s always that knee jerk “Ohhhh…” reaction when you first learn of a couple calling it splits. Maybe it’s surprising to hear twosomes moving on from one another with babies still in tow.

.
Now more than ever partners would be expected to stick it out in this tough economic climate. Right???

.

Over the summer there was a great earthy mom I bonded with. Her son became my daughter’s best pal at camp. She made no qualms about announcing her newly single status. She also happens to have three-year old twins and a 5 year old. She was on the fence about whether she was moving back with her folks or winging it on her own. What floored me is when she shared how she felt her marriage was over 2 1/2 years ago. My mathematic mind quickly calculated and thought: “but your twins were only 6 months old!”

.

Wow.

.

I was immediately worried for her because yes we can survive, but what a deck to be holding.

.

Then during a casual stroll down my street with my son, an older neighbor shared how his golden years are quickly rusting with the news of his son’s marriage just pronounced over and the cleanup he and his wife are doing to take care of the grandchildren.
.

Another Wow. Noone ever talks about the toll on the relatives now forced into separate spousal camps.

.

Then there was the D news of my daughter’s dance instuctor with 3 boys, and the list goes on and on.

.

I asked my husband if he thinks we’ll make it. His answer?

.

“As long as you continue to be a Golf Widow, we’ll be just fine!”

.

I guess that sums it up then. Living the life we love while co-existing with our other halves. I can’t complain, the compromise is there. He gives me my writing time and is behind this “moonlight career” of mine.

.

For all you Mamas considering the big D or already with it underway, I am humbled by you. It is clear, you have chosen a life of authenticity and despite the circumstances are forging forward. No more Wows from me, just lots of well wishes for walking the walk in your shoes.

.

 “You know, you always seem to have it all together”.

.
I get this line all of the time, usually from people I network with through the day job. Oddly, this week I heard it from my neighbor as we were catching up on the morning bus ride into Manhattan. I let out a yelp and assured her that by no means was I a zipped together woman.

.

As I made my routine sprint to catch the train downtown, this reply didn’t sit well with me and I wished I said something else (I often replay conversations when I’m on the run for some reason).

.

I wished I had told her that I cut corners on practically everything in my life in order to “keep it all together”. So yes, by definition, I suppose the shoe fits, but not without a little pruning here and there.

.

I live on a street with ten houses.
Those nine other homes are cleaner and neater than my own.
Those nine other families remember to place their recycling out all of the time.
Those nine other husbands are eating more home cooked meals than mine ever will.

.

Those nine other garages are tidy enough to treat my car to a guest visit once in a while!

.

Stepping inside my house when I return from work, I eye the clock on my stove and I mentally decide what tasks will make the cut as the countdown begins.

 .

I make the time to do what really matters. I catch up on my kids’ day. I squeeze in homework review. I ensure the tummies are full before pillow time. I squeeze in the much anticipated bedtime story. I play catch-up with my husband on whatever is lingering for me or rather what household tasks he has let linger!

.

Tonight, I lay me down to sleep satisfied that another day has passed where I’ve held it together because I had the nimble will to do so.

.

So (ahem), I suppose the shoe deservedly fits!

.

If only we women could embrace those compliments more often when thrown our way….